This is quite disturbing to have been feeling so low and depressed. And that too when their ain’t any specific reason.. Or maybe just maybe there is but I can’t identify it.. Whatever it maybe this has to be sorted out.. But this ‘How’ is the only showstopper..
And yes my thoughts aren’t random this time..
Its yet to be a month since I have entered this new phase and I am supposed to be happy.. Infact very happy.. I insist on this that I am very very happy about it.. But it’s just that something unknown is the reason for this turmoil..
I arrived at this conclusion that I am depressed or low because of the frequent breakdowns in these last few days.. That crying in kitchen, bathroom, in dark.. And I really don’t know why.. That single little questioning, comment by him (which in reality is just regular) too leads me into tears.. I really don’t mean to make him feel guilty for no reason..
Maybe this got a push when he asked me one night if I miss my mom and dad or brother (henceforth referred as bro) or Jinny (my bitch) and that simple innocent question brought me to flood of tears.. Reason?? I don’t know why.. Or was it that I was really missing them.. No clue..
In another incidence that moment when I said I wish to go home and he jokingly rejected the idea brought yet another stream of tears..
The New Year’s eve was something I wanted to be special.. But the turn of events just made it worse.. The fight for that rightful leave at office, no plans, no initiative from my end, the wait for a plan if not a surprise.. Yes all this ruined my (already bad) and his (really good) mood to the maximum and the icing to all my drama was that unreasonable crying.. Now what was the reason to feel so dejected if there wasn’t something which I had thought of.. If that was the case wasn’t I supposed to make those willful special arrangements?? I had absolutely no right to spoil the mood for him.. What was I proving??
I really don’t know.. (I know it is annoying to read this crazily reiterated)
No the events aren’t restricted to only these.. I sobbed yesterday and a day before too.. Why?????? This is really irritating and making me feel low, really low..
I hit that low when he is talking to his family, he is engrossed in his activity, I am sitting alone (even for negligible time), my bro doesn’t call me, mom doesn’t chat (except for those important and required things) , no work at office, good for nothing feeling at office, once a best friend – now doesn’t even acknowledge my very existence, the so called friends seem to have vanished in the oblivion , having no hobby at all, not knowing if i have any favourite author, any favourite writing or any particular interest etc etc etc… The list might just become too lengthy..
Oh well the listing did not help me in real which I had most willingly expressed in hope of finding the answer.. But I got none..
However after scribbling all of this I just want to say that I don’t have any problem with anyone and with him in particular.. It’s just that I guess I am battling the change and the acceptance would be the end of this unnerving combat. I am sure I would balance that walk on the rope called life and would certainly rise from the ashes in my work life too.. The only ingredient missing seems to be Patience.. I want to and I would seek solace by restoring that lost (somehow true) faith in self..